Chief Wisconsin Muggle Introduces Act 10 ¾, the “Hogwarts Reform Bill”

Guv Muggle
Guv Muggle

Education for wizards is broken. My father, who raised me to be a man of experience, once dropped me off at a birthday party featuring a twenty-dollar magician, so I am uniquely qualified to enact bold reforms in the name of taxpaying muggles everywhere. Yes, Hogwarts is open for business. [loud applause]

First, we must rename these dumb houses. The founders and their principles, now quaint, will soon be known as Reaganclaw, Freedomdor, Huffleprofit, and Slytherin (Slytherin is the only thing around here that sounds right). In addition, we are opening a charter school near the whomping willow, so today I am proud to announce “The Gilderoy Lockhart Academy for Historical Memory Loss.” Now is the time for market forces to disrupt magic forces. [standing applause]

Wizards need healthcare, but let’s face it, Pomfreycare is a bust. Petrified students, bone-growth treatments, and rampaging-troll injuries drain the pockets of all hard-working muggles. Healthcare at Hogwarts needs new vision. With that in mind, increased wizard deductibles are now in place for all hospital-wing visits. Gryffindor…minus 10,000 points! [standing applause] In this plan, all students must attend health-maintenance appointments with Vernon Dursley, who brings his vast drill-bit expertise, and all witches in Dursleycare must undergo transvaginal voldemorts to protect against accidental conjurations. [loud ejaculations]

Sports, of course, are sacred. They build character. Quidditch matches will continue, though alcohol will be served and guns may be purchased at the quidditch pitch. I am also enacting a rule change whose time is long overdue: “The Seeker” position has been eliminated; I cannot think of a reason why so much emphasis is placed on one who “seeks.” [approving shouts]

The road to liberty also includes:

  • No railroad projects—the Hogwarts Express is cancelled. Why should we have to pay for wizard transportation? They have brooms! [applause]
  • The hippy gamekeeper, Hagrid, has been let go. Now he can go eat mushrooms in The Forbidden Forest. [laughter] No one deserves a job for life! [loud applause]
  • Speaking of The Forbidden Forest, it will be cut down and converted into a mine. In short, it’s fracked. [laughter]
  • Dead unicorns will no longer be removed from the roadside. [approving nods]
  • Under our new “Right to Hex” clause, no wizard will be forced to join a magic union. We are putting wizard thugs like Professor McGonagall on notice, as this is the first of many forthcoming “Wizard Freedom Provisions.” [standing applause]
  • Last week, Hogwarts was rated by Forbes as the worst school for basilisks. [booing] This is unacceptable. Today I am authorizing a series of basilisk tax credits to spur innovation and profits for all persecuted, cold-blooded lizards. Prosperity trickles up through the pipes.[more standing applause]

[pregnant pause]

Teachers, as we know, are broken. Why do we encourage a system where wizards with training, skills, and motivation have job security? Who else can just lie around with their libraries and sad phoenixes? Do they think they’re better than real-world muggles? Going forward, Hogwarts will no longer require wizard certification. Furthermore, I’m replacing Albus Dumbledore with my good friend Harvey VandenFreedom, who brings a refreshing, narrow vision to the position. [uproarious applause] Headmaster VandenFreedom’s first job is to jumpstart an exciting new internship program, where students work directly for my office. Wizards will prepare for the real world, and after all the investigations and their brief stays in Azkaban—the capstone course—they will be perfectly situated for their new roles as the staff of Leaky Cauldrons everywhere. In addition to Harvey being the new Headmaster, look for some upgrades, as he also has been given a no-bid contract to put all-weather siding on the castle. Our curb appeal will be no illusion. [laughter]

That brings us to the poor. To freeloaders like the Weasleys, enabled by Hogwarts for generations, including their father’s current government job [hissing]. When will we break this cycle of dependence? We now have an answer. First, under the new “Unhappy Meal” provision, no impoverished Hogwarts student may dine on chocolate frogs, flying cheese, or protein. We encourage self-sufficiency! Second, they may cast no charms that result in new-model brooms, big-screen televisions, levitation, or fancy “smart” owls. Third, they may not wear invisibility cloaks, even those belonging to a friend. They need to be seen. [applause]

Muggles, it is morning at Hogwarts. [standing applause]

I would like to thank Concerned Muggles for Freedom and Prosperity for writing this legislation in its entirety. And while this bill only concerns the first two Harry Potter books, which is all I bothered to read, I’m sure it is applicable throughout. Thank you, and God bless Gringotts. [more standing applause]